I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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