between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
