You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
