last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
