I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
