the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
