You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
