I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
