I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
