This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize