Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
