peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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