We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
