I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I deserve this hangover.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize