I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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