I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize