You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
