ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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