I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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