even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
