i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
