thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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