She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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