Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize