i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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