I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just googled if crying burns calories
you inspire me to be a worse person
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
