I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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