I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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