My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
