i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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