I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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