i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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