i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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