i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
