So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
