Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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