Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
