Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
