my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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