He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
