It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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