gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
