Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
