Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
