apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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