I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
