If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
