I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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