If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
