He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
