gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
