I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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