I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
