sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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