I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
