My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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