god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We left an ass print on the piano.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
