you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
