This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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