She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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