When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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