her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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